Confession, I am a former “suck up to guy’s needs” chic. I was often caught brushing off my wants for a relationship. Maybe it was the African in me that was raised watching married women be completely submissive to men.
I once held down a relationship for two years. Do you know how hard that is for an upcoming feminist like myself? And we were both happy, rarely disagreed and managed to beat all the stereotypes of how love works. I was brilliant and more financially comfortable than he was, and although he was what my friends used to call a chocolate version of rapper, TI, he was retaking a whole year of school. His dislike for education correlated very well with having all the time for me. That gig didn’t work out though— I grew up and found men with careers and goals more interesting.
So while I was on my “break”, I decided to reboot. I figured I must have been playing my cards wrong and while I was waiting on Charming to show up, I decided to hire a few coaches to prepare me for him.
My goodness the things I found in these books. There were actually moments when I would put the book down and rewind to points in relationships where I was clearly handling shit all wrong.
Like I said, I grew up watching submissive wives. My perception of a good wife was one who was always kind to a man, took care of him, and when things went wrong, considered forgiving him and praying that things got better. But here I was reading that I had to tell men what I wanted. I had to show them how to love me. A little thing most of these writers called “Standards.” The more I read, the more I figured the heights of my lack of standards.
How could I expect Princess Treatment If I had never asked? When you get a job, they require you to read, understand and accept the terms and regulations before they can let you work. Love specialists speak no different about intimate relationships.
Truth is, if you are the kind of person who chooses not to settle, but rather have standards, might as well set them straight at the start of the relationship, and figure out if a guy will sign up or not. At least it’s better than stalling each other for ages only to have a failed relationship…plus a whole bunch of emotions to deal with.
Everyone has their own standards. One of my sworn to death standards is a significant other who calls me every day. I dated a guy who would actually go more than a week without calling me. Why didn’t I call him, you ask? I would, until I realized that I was making all the phone calls! So one day I decided to wait for his phone call. I ended up waiting for 6 days. For 6 days, my existence did not occur to this man who claimed to love me…6 days!!!
Obviously, we didn’t work out, but who knows, I could have saved myself three months of an idiot on my dating CV. Get some standards ladies!