By Mahbuba
When I’m not creating content for my site, I contribute to Teakisi, a blogzine for African women. I have a feeling you might laugh or relate to this last article I wrote for them….
All I ask is that you keep a huge sense of humor while you read this cos the other route will either be inappropriate or annoying.
So a bunch of friends and I are hanging out when one of the tipsy girls makes an “announcement” that she has an interesting story for us. She starts…omg you guys, Ugandan girls do something to keep their men. Buba tell them! Wait what? I’m looking around like, “what just happened here? What are we even talking about, I just came for the food? Why does this girl even know my name?” I compose myself and in my most polite tone, ask her, “Tell them what”. Now speaking louder with everyone’s attention on me, she repeats, “Tell them how Ugandan girls keep their men. You guys pull!” Lawwdd! What did this girl just say? Pull? I didn’t even have the chance to ask what “Pulling” was and already she was pointing at me saying I’m pretending, I know what pulling is, all Baganda (my tribe) girls do it, and she knows I know about it.
Ok let’s back up a little here. This girl, let’s call her Jennifer, is actually Kenyan, but went to school in Uganda, where I’m from. Of course my accent gave away which is how she suddenly knew me all too well.
Everyone on the table, myself included were looking at this girl like crazy. First off, what the heck was “Pulling”? Secondly aren’t we too old for this stereotype business? Call me a child, but I was still lost. So I start trying to quickly put pieces together. She was talking about keeping men, so it probably had something to do with sex. Now I had it down to boobs and VJ. You can’t pull boobs…(no really, you can’t) and I couldn’t face the truth so I turned to my other friend Linda, another African who seemed to have figured it out…cos she kept shouting back “pull what” in a defending way. She explained it…I almost chocked. I have never in my life wanted to slap a bitch so hard in the face.
Turns out, the care taker (aka matron), from her boarding school told her that “all” Baganda girls “pull” and they are taught how to do it, and that’s how they keep their men…And her friend even does it (why am I even talking about this?) I was still feeling very attacked and was kinda drawn back. Linda however, clearly took this very personal and was now screaming “pull what” so I let her handle that and turned to the terrified looking Americans to set things straight.
I never got a chance to explain to “Jennifer” so here goes. Jennifer!!! First off, “What the Fuck is Pulling”. Secondly, how does a foreigner, come to a country, go to a random school with some crazy chics, believe/makeup some crazy stories from a matron and bring me and my countrymen to shame in a decent crowd…how dare you!
Until you opened your mouth, I had never heard of pulling. Whatever pulling is, I don’t even care…never will. You coming up to me and telling me that “all” Baganda girls “pull” is like me coming up to you and saying all Kenyan girls are whores and it’s true because one of my Kenyan friends is a whore. You can’t be coming to conclusions based on one person’s behaviors. And if at all “pulling” happens, your grown educated ass should know how unhealthy it is and think before running your mouth about how people do it to keep their men…pshhhh…”pulling” my ass!
See what I have to go through out here?
lol Happy Labor Day guys…xoxo, Buba.
I stopped giving my phone number to random guys. You know those cute guys that you meet at a party; you have never met each other but they are charming, you both share a few shy conversations and he seems cool. Suddenly the night has to end. Your friend saw her ex, channeled the anger to alcohol and now she wants to fight him! You have no mutual friends so he smooth talks you into giving up your cell number before you leave… “I think you’re really cool and I would really love to get to know you more and see what your pretty self is all about”…hello!
Your friends are always getting at you for the “uptight mother” you turned into and this is your chance to prove them wrong! Besides, you can’t let this opportunity slip away, because who knows where this may end up. We are living in the era of YOLO…fuck a hater, you quickly slip him your direct contact and run off. Yea those guys, I give them an email address now. Matter of fact I give them an email address that doesn’t even have my name in it and one I rarely check… something like cococurvy@yahoo.com.
You see, this way you can control Mr. random whichever way you like. The conversation can continue over email and if he proves his worth, he can get an upgrade to your cell. Let me explain this ridiculous idea. First, we go back to that crazy scenario at the beginning. So I give Mr. random my number and the conversation proceeds. Problem is I realize two days later what a narcissistic idiot he is, so I decide to ignore him. A week later and like a thousand texts of him asking what happened to me, I construct a polite text that tells him I no longer wish to know of his existence. Mr. random replies;
You fucking whore,
You gave me your number,
You think you’re all that.
So many hoes outchea better than you
Go fuck yourself!
I have never been caught so off guard, never been more shocked in my life. I had no idea whether to be mad or surprised. I didn’t know how to feel about being labelled whore for the first time in my life. I must admit it kinda hurt? And I think the anger came from the fact that I had indeed given him my number, but he asked for it.
You see, one of my girlfriends is the crazy one. She will walk right up to a guy and tell him how cute he is then ask him to dance. I can’t do that, and yes, it has a lot to do with self-esteem issues. By the way let me say this. Every woman has self-esteem issues, trust me you do. Everyone just has different levels and different triggers for that low self-esteem to kick in.
Let me explain…again. Do you know why we get embarrassed, why we fight so hard to protect an image, a reputation? It’s all to maintain our confidence aka self-esteem. Yes, I know all the lyrics to “Single Ladies” no, I’m not going to go up on stage and sing them, yes, I give a crap what people will think or say.
I have a problem singing in public…I can give a speech, but I can’t sing…levels of self-esteem are real! Perhaps you’ll now understand why in spite of the number of times we have seen Beyoncé booty pumping on stage, she still claims she is shy. We all have weak points that make you want to hide from the world. And then, we also have the experimenters who “more than occasionally” try to alter them with alcohol.
For the record, I did not reply this dude cos I figured it would turn into a text fight and ‘ain’t nobody gat time for that’. I just don’t understand how some men turn rejection into anger. Suck it up! If a woman loses interest, let it go, Move on! Don’t start to raise unnecessary dust cos you will talk for a day and more and she STILL WON’T WANT YOU!
Every girl has had at least one of these tragedies happen to her. All this mess usually ends up in the girl changing the name in her contacts list from ‘New Guy’ to ‘Never Pick Up.’ Guys, its simple, good girl catches your eye, keep it low key. Give her all the attention. You’re trying to impress her but you’re playing hard to get? Unless you’re ‘Micheal Ealy’ I will never understand how that works. Confidence is attractive. Walk up and say hello. Don’t whisper creepy things in her ear, just say hello, and take it from there. And if selfies must be sent, let the receiver know beforehand…look good in them and please wear a shirt. This ain’t a freak show!
If she has offered you her time, take some time and look good. I’d rather a guy who shows up late because he was cleaning up that one who shows up with a shiny sweaty face and stale cologne. If you make plans for something, participate in the plans. Guys, please quit showing off in front of women. You don’t need to prove anything. A girl just needs to take one look at your shoes, car (and the level of your gas tank) and she will have placed you in your rightful financial bracket. Don’t be weird and don’t have a mega ego. Professing your love too early shows how desperate you are and making a girl fell like she’s nothing will send her running. Be cool…open doors, give simple compliments and ask about her passions. It’s really the simple things.
And finally…I saved his for last. Guys, if you find a woman who has her own job, and her own car, pays her own bills and rent, and still manages to live comfortably; before you start acting like superman, put into consideration that this woman has been holding up on her own before you. Respect that and keep it in thought, before you go around telling her how lucky she is to be experiencing such a lifestyle. You don’t know what kind of lifestyle she has been living. She could even be living a better lifestyle than you’re offering and look at you out here embarrassing yourself.
Starting a relationship is not just about impressing a woman. It’s more about getting to know each other. She might look like what you want but the real ‘her’ might not be what you’re looking for. So while you’re putting your game upfront, leave some space for her to reveal herself. You could end up saving yourself some time…and money.
He stood up and walked to the microphone, a little shy at first but he brushed the nerves off and toughened up. Cleared his throat, capturing the attention of the bar. Hers too. “Uhh hi, Umm, I’m not a poet really but I have a few things on my heart that I wanted to say tonight… to a beautiful lady, a special woman, the one I care about, the one I think about, the one who keeps me up at night…just thinkin.” She avoided his eyes pretending to be occupied with her drink.
Now I know not to put you on the spot like that,
But I wanna give a shout out to you,
The most…special…woman… in my life.
The one I care about,
The one who makes me wanna run out and shout,
About how much I’m burned.
And yea, I know were different,
You say you don’t want me cos were different.
But maybe that’s why we should be together.
Maybe that’s what brings us together.
You sayin I don’t know how to love you,
So teach me how to love you.
You hate my news and I hate your movies,
You even hate my football team,
And I hate your groupies.
But that’s what drives me wild about you.
I can learn to love you.
I can learn to like what you like.
Look at them curves, I love your shape.
I love your shape, I love your face.
I love your face, I love your eyes.
I love your eyes, I love your smile.
They say you can’t change a man.
A man’s gotta make the decision to change himself.
A man’s gotta find the inspiration to change himself.
Well girl you are my inspiration.
And I’m gonna change myself for you.
You say I’m Bad,
Think I need time cos you think am bad.
Yea I admit I had my ways,
But baby that was just a phase.
You say you wanna give me a minute,
But a minute ain’t what I got.
Cos I know a girl like you is hard to find.
Don’t give me a minute,
Gimmi now.
I don’t know much about you,
But I know you love music…
So let’s dance.
Let’s dance for the rest of our lives,
Let’s dance to the rhythm of life.
Let’s not care about a shit in the world.
Let’s just dance.
Dance with me…Just dance with me.
And I promise you,
I won’t stop dancing.
Asking for favors is not a talent. It’s a skill really; you just have to have the few facts down. Some people are so annoying when asking for stuff, you want to say no before knowing what they want. Confused? Here’s a dialogue between me and one very ‘nerve wrecking’ human being. FIY there were three people in this conversation…Her (Z), I and my thoughts (MT)!
Z: Hey!!!
Me: Hey Hey
Z: Do you have a Bank Account?
MT: No, that’s why you were admiring my Hello Kitty credit card last week! Who the Heck doesn’t have a bank account?
Me: Duh
Z: What Bank do you use?
MT: (First I check to make sure I’m talking to Z and not some Tele marketer) Why the heck is she interested in what bank I use? Oh Lawd what does she want now?
Me: Chase Bank why?
Z: You got some savings?
MT: Who the Hell are you?…A debt collector or the Revenue Services?…asking about my savings account like you fund me…what makes you think I would tell you my personal business…showing up here like you owe me something…ewww get out my phone…why are you even in my life?
By the way this whole conversation was via text…imagine…and the reason it ended is because I stopped replying…because my next reply was going to be like this…
Me: Listen, I’m not a child, I am twenty freaking three, and I am in pharmacy school, so I don’t have time to answer all your background-check questions over text, only for you to take from me in the end. Stop wasting my time and get to your damn point.
Some people have you contemplating your mood to see if you can pick up cos with them it’s always something and you have to sacrifice…Z is one of them. This one time she called me at 10:00pm asking to get a ride to the airport, at 4:00am. The airport is 45 minutes away and nope, she wasn’t offering to pay for fuel. Seriously this is what she said, “But it’s not so far away, I know you have gas in your car.” Yea I have gas in my car…for me, my journeys, where I want to go, when I wish to go…Honey I am not your mother, snap out of that fantasy you’re living in…where did these people grow up?
If you’re a victim of reject when it comes to asking for favors, here are a few tips that could come in handy.
Friends that are financially stable are just so much easier to be around. If you don’t have any rich friends, get this. Life is more peaceful when you have some rich friends. Go get you some rich friends! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not out here to hate on my ‘Buddies on a Budget’. Life is generally brighter when you hang around some ‘High Rollers’….
