He lay on his bed his face looking to the roof. His face turned to her, thoughtful but attentive looking for every twitch on her face. She looked at the wall. She just looked, breathing, in…out…in…just looking. She knew he was looking at her. She wanted him to look at her just the way she was…read her…bare, she wasn’t going to hide a thing. She wanted him to see the truth…truth, that’s what he needed to see. This was no time to hide. And he did just that…he looked.
…I wondered if I should look at him, but no, I gave him a little more time. I knew when I looked at him he would speak, so I gave him some time. Finally, I gave in, I wanted to see his eyes, to look into them, to know what he wanted to tell me…So I looked at him. He barely whispered, saying, “baby, tell me the truth.” I continued to look at him, he paused for a while still looking right in my eyes…then said, “Do you love me.” I didn’t move, not one expression did my face give away. Finding the words to say…I didn’t know what to say, I needed to say the truth. So I dug deep into my heart, to find the truth. And I looked at him and, I said…”I don’t know.”
His breaths grew slower, more silent…He asked “why” and I said, “I stopped loving.” I could see his expression turn from questioning to curious, turning his body to face mine and moving a little closer… I was an open book. I wanted him to see right through me, so I turned to face him too…he asked why again. I told him, “That way, the peace in my heart is guaranteed…so I stopped loving.”
He looked at me for a minute, trying to make sense of what I had told him. “So what do you feel for me?” Slowly looking back at the wall, there was a part of me that was afraid to speak the truth.
I stopped feeling, but that would not make any sense, cos if I had stopped feeling, then why am I here…my thoughts raced. I had no answer for him, but he wasn’t settling for nothing, and he deserved to hear it all. So I told him, “I know I’m here. I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know what to love…I just know…I’m here.” “I don’t know if it’s the right move, the right thing to do, I just know, I’m here.” “I don’t feel forced, feel trapped…I’ve stopped listening to the past and thinking about the future. I’ve learned to live in the present…Now…now is what matters.”
There’s a certain wave of energy that went through my body after I spoke…empowered…I was standing on a mountain. “Mountain of Truth”…nothing to hide…All me…all truth.
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