Laugh at my pain. Check out my blog post published by Elle Afrique and follow them too on Twitter and Facebook. There’s loads of great articles by talented african female writers.
All I ask is that you keep a huge sense of humor while you read this cos the other route will either be inappropriate or annoying.
So a bunch of friends and I are hanging out when one of the tipsy girls makes an “announcement” that she has an interesting story for us. She starts…omg you guys, Ugandan girls do something to keep their men. Buba tell them! Wait what? I’m looking around like, “what just happened here? What are we even talking about, I just came for the food? Why does this girl even know my name?” I compose myself and in my most polite tone, ask her, “Tell them what”. Now speaking louder with everyone’s attention on me, she repeats, “Tell them how Ugandan girls keep their men. You guys pull!” Lawwdd! What did this girl just say? Pull? I didn’t even have the chance to ask what “Pulling” was and already she was pointing at me saying I’m pretending, I know what pulling is, all Baganda (my tribe) girls do it, and she knows I know about it.
Ok let’s back up a little here. This girl, let’s call her Jennifer, is actually Kenyan, but went to school in Uganda, where I’m from. Of course my accent gave away which is how she suddenly knew me all too well.
Everyone on the table, myself included were looking at this girl like crazy. First off, what the heck was “Pulling”? Secondly aren’t we too old for this stereotype business? Call me a child, but I was still lost. So I start trying to quickly put pieces together. She was talking about keeping men, so it probably had something to do with sex. Now I had it down to boobs and VJ. You can’t pull boobs…(no really, you can’t) and I couldn’t face the truth so I turned to my other friend Linda, another African who seemed to have figured it out…cos she kept shouting back “pull what” in a defending way. She explained it…I almost chocked. I have never in my life wanted to slap a bitch so hard in the face.
Turns out, the care taker (aka matron), from her boarding school told her that “all” Baganda girls “pull” and they are taught how to do it, and that’s how they keep their men…And her friend even does it (why am I even talking about this?) I was still feeling very attacked and was kinda drawn back. Linda however, clearly took this very personal and was now screaming “pull what” so I let her handle that and turned to the terrified looking Americans to set things straight.
I never got a chance to explain to “Jennifer” so here goes. Jennifer!!! First off, “What the Fuck is Pulling”. Secondly, how does a foreigner, come to a country, go to a random school with some crazy chics, believe/makeup some crazy stories from a matron and bring me and my countrymen to shame in a decent crowd…how dare you!
Until you opened your mouth, I had never heard of pulling. Whatever pulling is, I don’t even care…never will. You coming up to me and telling me that “all” Baganda girls “pull” is like me coming up to you and saying all Kenyan girls are whores and it’s true because one of my Kenyan friends is a whore. You can’t be coming to conclusions based on one person’s behaviors. And if at all “pulling” happens, your grown educated ass should know how unhealthy it is and think before running your mouth about how people do it to keep their men…pshhhh…”pulling” my ass!
See what I have to go through out here?
lol Happy Labor Day guys…xoxo, Buba.
There’s this fast food place I love so much cos they make fried cassava, a very rare thing to find in America. They even call it “Yuka Fries”. I go there every once in a craving but my goodness, it’s tough getting a meal out there. This is why and I really mean no offence, but it’s a Hispanic fast food place, so most of its customers speak Spanish. That means that to get hired I would suppose you have to be bilingual. Here’s the problem, whoever is hiring at this joint employs and may I say women specifically, who speak more Spanish than English. This is how making an order goes for me (It was a drive through).
Lady: (in a thick barely understandable Hispanic accent) welcome to Pollo Campero what would you like to order?
Me: I have a question, how many sides come with the two piece meal?
Lady: you want a 2 piece meal with diner roll or tortilla.
Me: No, (repeats question slowly) how many sides come on a 2 piece meal?
Lady: You want what?
Me: (Oh My God) ma’am listen to me, I am asking a question. (Repeats question even slower) I said, how many sides come on a 2 piece meal?
Lady: Oh 2 sides.
Me: Ok I will get that.
Lady: You want what?
Me: 2 piece meal with French fries and yuka fries.
Lady: You want French fries?
Me: 2 pieces of chicken, French fries and yuka fries…2 piece meal.
Lady: Oh ok 2 piece meal, what sides ma’am?
Me: French fries and yuka fries.
Me: No, Yuka fries “and” French fries.
Lady: Yuka fries?
Me: (Buba calm down, it’s not worth it) ma’am I want both Yuka fries and French fries.
Lady: 2 piece meal with yuka fries and French fries.
Lady: Family size?
Me: No no no. single…just one person…only me…Uno…one…damn!
Lady: Come to the window please.
This is why, I can’t own a gun, cos I would have killed myself by now. Like why would you put a poor English speaker on a drive through? It’s already hard enough that drive through communication is hard, now we have a language problem too?
Here’s another one of my famous lists. Annoying people in traffic.
Drivers who are at the front of the line at the traffic light that’s turning left and aren’t paying attention for the green light, then when the green light goes on they don’t realize for like 5 seconds and finally when we honk at them, the light is already turning orange and only two cars get to go. Like that light is so short and it takes so long to come back on, I just want to scream. The worst part is they get to go and if anyone deserves, to stay at this light, it’s them.
Drivers who just jump in your lane without indicating. Like have some God damn respect. I’m a careful driver ok? Also my insurance is liability so I can’t afford craziness, like literally, I can’t. So when you see me leave a good amount of space between cars, it’s not for your selfish ass to just get in how you like, it’s for me not to crash. So kindly have the respect to let me know you’re coming into my lane that’s all I ask…although there’s a very small chance I will let you in.
People who find you listening to a very cool song on your earphones on full blast while walking and interrupt you with nonsense conversations. See my classes and the garage are very far apart so listening to music makes the long walk shorter. Its 90 degrees outside, I’m hot, I’m late to class, so I’m trying to walk fast, but not too fast that I’ll get to class looking all sweaty. I’m not exactly in my comfort zone right now but I’m trying to keep calm by listening to a cool song. So I’m out here zoning myself, Iggy’s Fancy is starting and I’m about to kill it like…First thing’s first I’m the…tap tap tap on my shoulder. So I pause, totally unzoned…”hey what’s up”, she says. “I’m good how are you”, I reply putting my earphones back on…Drop this and let the whole wor…tap tap tap…”what was your answer on No.4 on the home work?” she asks. Wtf!!!…Girl…first off, now is not the time or the place. Secondly I take it that being in the same course for two years, you now know that I’m not the kid in class who knows what No.4 was on the homework, better yet that we even had homework so buzz off! If you want a bad bitch like dis, drop it low and pick it up just like dis…
Old people driving. I think it’s safe to say that when you turn 60, you need a driver cos life gets a little too fast for you. Like these guys drive sooooo damnnnn slowwwww…move it grandma!
Old women with a walker who see when the light is green for you and that’s when they remember to cross the road…like who the fuck is you!!!
People who drive in the fast lane on 20 miles per hour…I hope you die!!!
People who text while driving, I don’t hope you die, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!
You know how you can be driving behind someone who is going real slowly, but you respect them enough not to honk, and decide to overtake them and get back into the lane when you’re a good distance ahead of them. But they see you overtaking, and it’s like they get jealous that you’re going faster, then decide to speed up? Like what the fuck! You were driving like grandma back there, suddenly you’re in a corvette.
Speaking of corvettes, people who drive sports cars at 20 miles per hour…you ungrateful bastards.
Guys who honk at you and signal you to walk to their car so that they can hit on you…in your damn dreams. Dude you’re in the passenger seat…it ain’t even your damn car though.
Guys who try to hit on you at a traffic light, just cos they are in an expensive car. Bro you think I didn’t see the “commercial” written on your number plate? Car rentin az dude.
Laugh at my pain…these people exist…