Looking back on what a vibrant year 2015 has been…did I say vibrant, I meant crazy. Child, I went from 100 to zero to negatives to 70 and concluded the year a strong 80 (Praise God?). While reading some blogs last year, I came across a relationship expert who said, rather than asking the person you’re dating why they broke up with their ex, ask them what their past relationships have taught them.
So here I am, telling you what 2015 taught me….
Has someone ever asked you to forgive and forget? I cringe at the idea of another person attempting to run my feelings. If you’ve been really hurt before, you know well, that forgiveness isn’t a decision that you come down to so easily. You don’t just wake up and everything is okay, at least not for me. Forgiveness comes from within, it comes from the heart. It takes time you know, first acknowledging the fact that your feelings have been hurt, and then being sad about it, or even angry, and considering your chances of getting away with murder based on the experience you’ve gained from watching mysteries all these years.
Eventually you realize you weren’t worthy of the situation and decide to let it go, not in a forgiving way but by simply deciding not to give it any more thought. Sooner or later when you return to your happy self, you’re able to forgive because you realize were all humans with imperfections. And finally with time the event stops occurring to you, and then you can consider that having forgotten.
It’s a process. And it can even be harder when you don’t get closure. Cos without closure, you have no clearance. If someone truly hurts your feelings it takes time to forget. It takes time to move on, it takes time to be ok. And before you reach that point, you’re not in any position to forgive. That’s the truth about forgiveness. So when you ask someone to forgive you, you need to be understanding when they say no, because that’s something that’s going to have to come with time.
You might even approach them at a later time looking for a new start and they are not receptive. Be understanding still, because people react differently. Don’t write them off as a stone-cold person. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s just that at that point in time, and they haven’t reached a place where they are in the position to forgive you.
You don’t even know the actual point in time that you actually forgive someone. If I can remember situations where I realized I had forgiven someone that hurt my feelings, it was more like remembering a moment in time after a while and realizing that you indeed let it go and truly, there are no hard feelings left. That’s forgiveness to me.
And now that I think about it some more, I can’t remember if someone ever asked me to forgive them, and not in an “I’m sorry” type of way, but actually saying the words, “please forgive me.” I can’t think of any. And the more I think about it the more I realize that if someone personally approached me asked for forgivingness, even if I were not in the mercy spirit, just the fact that they had the guts to actually say it would get me one step closer. I guess the moral of the story is that acknowledge when you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness without having any expectations.
Say Hello to my 100th post. This time around I thought I would share something special. As you already know, we don’t all have the picture perfect life we paint for the world. Sometimes life can really kick you in the butt. Other times you will wake up not feeling yourself. If at all you need any sympathy, find some in knowing that there are a lot of people going through the same thing. I have had my share of disappointments in life and I try my best to learn from them. Here’s a few tricks I’ve picked up along the way…maybe some might click with you.
- How do you know when to break up with a guy?
When you realize being lonely would be happier than being with him.
- What is love?
Love is compromise…meet each other in the middle.
- How do you raise yourself esteem?
Dress to kill….something about those compliments that makes you feel worthy.
- How can u instantly improve your mood?
Listen to songs from your childhood days that you used to dance to (my playlist has Oliver Ngoma).
- How can you feel stronger?
Pray….the power of a higher power.
- How can you avoid drunk dialing?
Don’t get drunk.
- How do you make your partner happy?
Ask them what makes them happy, then do it.
- How do you make yourself happy?
Make some goals, no matter how small, then achieve them.
- How do you fall in love?
Give it your all.
10. How do you get over a heartbreak?
Take it one day at a time…you will wake up one morning and it won’t hurt as much.
Confession, I am a former “suck up to guy’s needs” chic. I was often caught brushing off my wants for a relationship. I tend to be occasionally bossy professionally and one would expect me to apply that in my social life…but. Maybe it was the African in me that was raised watching married women be completely submissive to men, I dono.
After a break up from what I had considered a serious relationship, I decided to give it dating a break, but you know, I’m a girl in her twenties and girls in their twenties never take time off from dating….so if you’ve heard someone say they are on break, chances are they haven’t found a man yet or they are in the acceptance stage of a breakup. You know, that point where you are content that it’s over and you can think about your ex without feeling a huge lump in your throat or having a sudden urge to commit a murder.
My mum thinks I’m a Miss Know it all. At first I thought she was just being on my case a little more than needed, but now I kinda see where she’s coming from. I actually thought I was a guru in relationships because I had actually held down a relationship for two years. Do you know how hard that is for an upcoming feminist like myself? And we were both happy, rarely fought not to mention we had managed to beat all the stereotypes of how love works. I was brilliant and more financially comfortable than he was, and although he was what my friends used to call a chocolate version of rapper TI, he was retaking a whole year of school. His dislike for education correlated very well with skipping school and having all the time for me…which by the way is all I ever wanted in love (turns out that shit is real hard for guys to offer). That gig didn’t work out though, mainly because I grew up and found men with careers and goals more interesting.
So while I was on my “break”, I decided to reboot. From a series of failed dates and a relationship of which I was the only party acting like I was in the relationship, I figured I must have been playing my cards wrong. So while I was waiting on Charming to show up, I decided to hire a few coaches to prepare me for him.
Another confession, I am not a good reader. Actually, I am a terrible reader and only do so for research for my own articles. So to start reading all these books on relationships and people’s perceptions on making it work was like opening up a whole new universe.
My goodness the things I found in these books. There were actually moments when I would put the book down and rewind to points in relationships where I was doing certain things and just think hmmmm? According to these books I had it all wrong. Like I said, I grew up watching submissive wives. My perception of a good wife was one who was always kind to a man, took care of him, and when things went wrong, considered forgiving him and praying that things got better. But here I was reading that I had to tell men what I wanted. I had to give them rules to love me. A little thing most of these writers called “Standards.” That’s a fancy word for rules…standards. The more I read, the more I figured the heights of my lack of standards. Do you know how degrading that feels for a Miss know it all? Miss classy, miss clever, miss stylish miss f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s. suddenly had no standards simply because when men acted crazy I would just get mad till they figured it out instead of telling them what I wanted?
However the more I thought about it, the more it actually made sense. How could I expect Princess Treatment If I had never asked? When you get a job, they require you to read, understand and accept the terms and regulations before they can let you work. Love specialists speak no different about intimate relationships.
At first I wondered how it was possible to give a guy all these rules and expect him to stay. Truth is, if you are the kind of person who chooses not to settle, but rather have standards, might as well set them straight at the start of the relationship, and figure out if a guy will sign up or not. At least it’s better than stalling each other for ages only to have a failed relationship…plus a whole bunch of emotions to deal with.
Everyone has their own standards. One of my sworn to death standards is a significant other who calls me every day. Some of us women are suckers for attention, not to mention our love for exclusive relationships. If you’re with me, you’re with “only me”, also preferably thinking about me 24/7 mostly because I’m thinking about you 24/7 too. Believe me, its brothas still outchea walking this planet who find this to be news. I dated a guy who would actually go more than a week without calling me. And by the way I’m not talking about a new flame, 2 weeks in kinda dating…this was a 3 months down relationship…and a week would go by with no phone call. Why didn’t I call him? I used to, till I realized that I was making all the phone calls! So one day I decided to wait for his phone call. I ended up waiting for 6 days. For 6 days, my existence did not occur to this man who claimed to love me…6 days!!! Like I’m just not memorable like that? Of course it didn’t work out, but who knows, I could have saved myself three months of an idiot on my dating CV. Get some standards ladies!
Xoxo…the fab one.
A few years ago in college I found one of my friends having a conversation with a few others about African girls only dating American boys when they come to the United States. Not wanting to get involved, I sat quietly and started to mind my own business, when this guy taps me in the back and asks “Hey you’re African too right? Do you have a boyfriend?” Now every girl alive knows that when a guy asks if you have a boyfriend;
1. Pretend to have not heard and ask him to repeat the question.
2. You have now bought yourself a good 3 seconds to determine your answer, which is completely based on nothing else but his appearance.
3. In those three seconds you scale his face, clothes, shoes, abs, and financial bracket.
“No I don’t have a boyfriend,” I replied. “So would you marry an American man? I told him I was open to love and healthy happy relationships. My friend who was #TeamAmericanBoys cuts in saying I’m boring and I don’t know what I want and that she’ll get me an American who will satis…ok the rest of that story doesn’t matter. Point is, In between their back and forth he asks me what my major was. I say pharmacy. Now turning to me and completely giving me his full attention he replies, “When you graduate, ima marry you.” It was a joke right?
Fast forward to a conversation with a male friend a few months ago who mentioned to me that he only dates women with a masters degree! ….Last time I checked, men don’t want educated women because, allegedly they are controlling, bossy and all those other selfish lame excuses weak minded men give, so yes, I was very interested in this conversation. Turns out he is already planning for his wife’s income. He says if they are both highly educated, they can be able to afford down payment on a big house, he would get help with the bills and life would be better since all the money would be “shared.” In his words, “life lately is not simple, you need a woman who will help out. Uneducated women are too expensive because they only rely on you. All these pretty chics you see around at the club, they’re airheads. I have to marry a woman who will also bring support”…damn, ok!
A few days ago while having lunch with some friends, a conversation sparks off about choosing partners for marriage. The conversation is going on quite casually, people arguing about why men still go to strip clubs after they are married, how a woman is not allowed to go to a club after she is married (by the way, that was an African guy’s opinion…are you surprised, I’m not) when one of the guys says, “Men don’t marry the girl they want. They marry the girl they need. Men settle for someone who will take care of their needs because the woman they are really attracted to can’t be a wife or mother.” Stay with me, I’m about to make my point.
Another guy adds. “All those girls men go for in the clubs, they know they can’t marry them. At the end of the day you settle for someone who is going to take care of you and raise a family.” …Implying that You settle?
One of the females starts to speak in support of what had just been said, adding that couples don’t have to love each other. The love grows with time and that it’s better that way, because if you don’t love him marriage lasts longer and whatever nonsense he does won’t hurt you because you don’t really care.
In this age where a ten year anniversary is a miraculous milestone and divorce gets served quicker than Fast Food, I’m starting to question the world’s perception of marriage when it comes to choosing life partners.
At one point I felt that finding true love was obvious conversation, but I find myself defending love more and more. I find myself reminding ladies that Not all men are dogs, and men that Offering luxurious living won’t attract every woman.
Yes I understand, times are hard, people need to share bills to survive but still, Do people marry for Love or are “we” now just Settling for comfortable lives or who can offer them? Can a marriage can last a lifetime without a man going astray with another woman?
Recently I was watching this interview of rapper Big Sean talking about his relationship with actress Naya Rivera. In his interview with Necole Bitchie, he boasts about getting home from the studio and Naya wakes up, to make him diner…at 4:00 am. I replayed that section like four times…4am?
You know what, I’ve always thought of myself as the good girlfriend type. I’m faithful, I don’t nag guys and I don’t take issues too personal (Ahem…assuming my ex is dead and that you can’t sue people for lying). But lately, My type of good girlfriend is getting out of style! Like Girls are making this too competitive…cooking at 4am…the hell? I mean, if I love you so so so much and you’re coming back at 4am…first of all why are you coming back at 4am?…the most effort I will make is to leave a sticky note telling you where the food is. Seriously, who has time to get up in the middle of the night in full gear and start frying things…not me! Naya girl, Sean better wife you for that effort.
A few weeks ago I see a bunch of my friends gathered around this one girl gasping and laughing. I join the conversation only to find them looking at her “Ring”. She got engaged over the summer. Yea my friend is getting married! Whatttt…quit playing! So while everyone is screaming and hugging…this is me;
Are you serious?
You’re really gonna do this?
Aren’t you so young?
Do you even know him well?
Is it because you’re pregnant?
Is that even a real diamond? (I know…I’m a pathetic loser for asking!)
I stopped when the dirty looks started to become obvious. Here’s the thing, I love hearing that people are getting married. But that’s because it’s always been older people in their late twenties, thirties and more. But check this out, this girl is twenty three…yea yea yea laugh all you want, but for real, I was freaked out for a second. And for no other reason except for the fact that I am the same age as her. No, I don’t think she is too young to get married 23 is perfectly fine. It’s me!
I’m too unserious to take on marriage. Here’s what’s crazy. How do people know “The One” so early? One year in and a date is set. I don’t trust this generations…too many actors and actresses…you need time to really know each other. Then you need time to think about where the relationship is going. I mean we all know those partners who profess their love and between the “awww, you’re my everything too” were thinking “no no no, it can’t be you, God Loves me…my husband is still out there”. And as if figuring out the one is not already scary, my lifestyle scares me too. Here are five reasons I am too selfish to be married now.
1. Breakfast? I get out of bed just in time to take a shower, dress up and drive through massive traffic (while applying foundation, mascara and lipstick) to reach work five minutes late which is the maximum amount of late arrival minutes that can be excused at the job without penalties. Hell no, I’m not getting out of my bed 30 minutes early to switch the coffee maker on for you. What’s wrong with your legs?
2. Alone time. Don’t we all need it? Sometimes I wake up and I do not want to hear another human breathing within a 20 feet radius of me. I’m not mad, I just want to be alone, thank you.
3. Have you seen my closet? I call it the clothes where I keep my room. My floor is a pile of denim, tees, books, shoe boxes, shopping bags and a lab coat somewhere in there. Nope, I haven’t rethought my behavior.
4. Kids. I love kids, but kids are on a constant mission to kill themselves. You have to watch them every second of every minute. They climb curtains, play with knives, run on the stair case, and eat blades. My niece and nephew are the most adorable bunch but fifteen minutes in and I’m done! Don’t touch my phone, don’t touch my iPad, don’t touch the TV, sit your lil butt down and watch cartoons like a normal kid…that I have never seen.
5. Sharing a bank account. I’m sorry, were you there while I slept for 2 hours…in a day, had water for breakfast, chewing gum for lunch and cereal for diner, had to work two jobs to pay off my bills and bribe the maintenance guy to steal my neighbor’s internet password, so I could survive off of their wireless? ‘Bro’ you haven’t been in my struggle and so you will not be included in my bank balance.
I have a special respect for married women, they have a certain calmness that we selfish youngster wannabes don’t have. And honestly, I respect them for accepting to let another human in their life to care for…for free. You deserve it all and more. Long live the couples.
I stopped giving my phone number to random guys. You know those cute guys that you meet at a party; you have never met each other but they are charming, you both share a few shy conversations and he seems cool. Suddenly the night has to end. Your friend saw her ex, channeled the anger to alcohol and now she wants to fight him! You have no mutual friends so he smooth talks you into giving up your cell number before you leave… “I think you’re really cool and I would really love to get to know you more and see what your pretty self is all about”…hello!
Your friends are always getting at you for the “uptight mother” you turned into and this is your chance to prove them wrong! Besides, you can’t let this opportunity slip away, because who knows where this may end up. We are living in the era of YOLO…fuck a hater, you quickly slip him your direct contact and run off. Yea those guys, I give them an email address now. Matter of fact I give them an email address that doesn’t even have my name in it and one I rarely check… something like email@example.com.
You see, this way you can control Mr. random whichever way you like. The conversation can continue over email and if he proves his worth, he can get an upgrade to your cell. Let me explain this ridiculous idea. First, we go back to that crazy scenario at the beginning. So I give Mr. random my number and the conversation proceeds. Problem is I realize two days later what a narcissistic idiot he is, so I decide to ignore him. A week later and like a thousand texts of him asking what happened to me, I construct a polite text that tells him I no longer wish to know of his existence. Mr. random replies;
You fucking whore,
You gave me your number,
You think you’re all that.
So many hoes outchea better than you
Go fuck yourself!
I have never been caught so off guard, never been more shocked in my life. I had no idea whether to be mad or surprised. I didn’t know how to feel about being labelled whore for the first time in my life. I must admit it kinda hurt? And I think the anger came from the fact that I had indeed given him my number, but he asked for it.
You see, one of my girlfriends is the crazy one. She will walk right up to a guy and tell him how cute he is then ask him to dance. I can’t do that, and yes, it has a lot to do with self-esteem issues. By the way let me say this. Every woman has self-esteem issues, trust me you do. Everyone just has different levels and different triggers for that low self-esteem to kick in.
Let me explain…again. Do you know why we get embarrassed, why we fight so hard to protect an image, a reputation? It’s all to maintain our confidence aka self-esteem. Yes, I know all the lyrics to “Single Ladies” no, I’m not going to go up on stage and sing them, yes, I give a crap what people will think or say.
I have a problem singing in public…I can give a speech, but I can’t sing…levels of self-esteem are real! Perhaps you’ll now understand why in spite of the number of times we have seen Beyoncé booty pumping on stage, she still claims she is shy. We all have weak points that make you want to hide from the world. And then, we also have the experimenters who “more than occasionally” try to alter them with alcohol.
For the record, I did not reply this dude cos I figured it would turn into a text fight and ‘ain’t nobody gat time for that’. I just don’t understand how some men turn rejection into anger. Suck it up! If a woman loses interest, let it go, Move on! Don’t start to raise unnecessary dust cos you will talk for a day and more and she STILL WON’T WANT YOU!
- Get all flirty with all her friends. Oh yes the best way to show a girl you care is by getting all her friends to your side. Go on, flirt with them, tell them they are hot just like her, buy them drinks too and dance with them in front of her to show your fun side. Share the attention between her and her friends that’s exactly the kind of man she wants; one who gets up close and personal with her girls.
- Get her number from a mutual friend without her knowledge. You were at the same social event with her for more than four hours; You said nothing to her; And the morning after, when she doesn’t remember your face, suddenly you’re Mr. Lover Boy…bombarding her WhatsApp with unflattering selfies at 6.30 am, talking about “I like the way those thighs looked last night…Guess who.” Like …??? wtf?
- You figure out she is not that into you. But Never Give Up! Beg her to go on a date with you and when she finally says ok, yea show up in your work clothes. And don’t even try to freshen up. It’s nothing serious right? You’ll just tell her that you were very busy you didn’t have time to impress her, after begging for so long. Season the night by telling her you had a heavy lunch at work and your still very satisfied so you won’t be eating tonight, you’ll just buy her food and watch her pretty face eat…classic!
- Now that it’s just the two of you and you have a chance to get to know each other, talk about yourself the whole time. Don’t give her a chance, don’t ask her any questions, her life doesn’t exist. And don’t forget to boast how you have been to France, Egypt, South Africa, Germany, London, Australia, and the North Pole. Also tell her about your $90,000 BMW and your Tom Ford suits…because that’s all women want to hear.
- The bill is in! look at the total for a good five minutes, call the waiter back, question about the prices of the food, jokingly ask the girl for her contribution, then reject her ‘sincere’ offer by telling her you can’t let her spend the ‘little she has’ on such an expensive lifestyle. As the waiter walks away, remind her of the privilege she is having to be at this restaurant because you have never brought any of your other dates to such expensive places. Oh how lucky she is!
- Ok maybe first date went great. So great you two have been texting endlessly for the past two days a second date has been set in place. This girl is perfect you really see yourself with her. Oh yea she is super-hot too and you’re afraid another guy might snatch her while you’re asleep so you decide to drop the bomb on date number two, “I see you and me getting married.”
- Just in case first date went as earlier planned; Drop her home in your BMW, let her open her own door, wave her bye and tell her to ‘Call You.’ That went perfect didn’t it? She should be head over heels in love with you so yes, wait on her phone call…you’re going to be waiting for the rest of your sorry life.
Every girl has had at least one of these tragedies happen to her. All this mess usually ends up in the girl changing the name in her contacts list from ‘New Guy’ to ‘Never Pick Up.’ Guys, its simple, good girl catches your eye, keep it low key. Give her all the attention. You’re trying to impress her but you’re playing hard to get? Unless you’re ‘Micheal Ealy’ I will never understand how that works. Confidence is attractive. Walk up and say hello. Don’t whisper creepy things in her ear, just say hello, and take it from there. And if selfies must be sent, let the receiver know beforehand…look good in them and please wear a shirt. This ain’t a freak show!
If she has offered you her time, take some time and look good. I’d rather a guy who shows up late because he was cleaning up that one who shows up with a shiny sweaty face and stale cologne. If you make plans for something, participate in the plans. Guys, please quit showing off in front of women. You don’t need to prove anything. A girl just needs to take one look at your shoes, car (and the level of your gas tank) and she will have placed you in your rightful financial bracket. Don’t be weird and don’t have a mega ego. Professing your love too early shows how desperate you are and making a girl fell like she’s nothing will send her running. Be cool…open doors, give simple compliments and ask about her passions. It’s really the simple things.
And finally…I saved his for last. Guys, if you find a woman who has her own job, and her own car, pays her own bills and rent, and still manages to live comfortably; before you start acting like superman, put into consideration that this woman has been holding up on her own before you. Respect that and keep it in thought, before you go around telling her how lucky she is to be experiencing such a lifestyle. You don’t know what kind of lifestyle she has been living. She could even be living a better lifestyle than you’re offering and look at you out here embarrassing yourself.
Starting a relationship is not just about impressing a woman. It’s more about getting to know each other. She might look like what you want but the real ‘her’ might not be what you’re looking for. So while you’re putting your game upfront, leave some space for her to reveal herself. You could end up saving yourself some time…and money.
Every now and then we find ourselves having so many questions about life love and relationships. I am a sucker for relationship advice and I find myself taking screenshots of people’s opinions on love and relationships to muse myself on a dull day.
This chapter of Beautiful Emotions is a series of articles inspired by the opinions of friends and followers on social media where tweets and status updates are elaborated by me to pass on a beautiful message. Allow me to introduce Beautiful Emotions…. In Your Heart!
-@BubaFabulous: People treat you the way you allow them to treat you!
A good lesson I have learned in life is not just being aware of what you want, but also letting your potential partner know your expectations. Also, the way you treat yourself always plays a big role on how people will treat you. You cannot expect to get any respect if you do not have any respect for yourself.
-@S_TheRedHead: You deserve someone who knows how to make things up to you after hurting you. Not someone who is very good with just the word “Sorry”.
We all get caught up in the kind of love we want. We get into relationships and amidst all the romance we are thinking “This is it! It’s Perfect!” However, a few mistakes down the road you start to think how you ever let yourself be a part of it in the first place. And once again you leave the relationship with an even longer list than ever of what you want in a partner.
-@MissGambinoGirl: True love leaves scars. You don’t have any.
We are hurt the most where we loved the most and it’s hard not to have doubts in a new relationship. The past is the past and It’s always good to forget what hurt you in that life. But do not forget what the past taught you.
-@JHQueenBee: Find Someone who truly loves you, sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get and how hard you can be to handle, but still wants you.
A partner who makes you feel confident and comfortable in your skin no matter how weird you think you are is what we are all truly looking for. The freedom in knowing you don’t have to cover up or powder up to feel normal around a partner. Not having to watch your language, or your poise, or your laugh. They get it…they get you!
-@InyalaVazant: Love is what we are. It is the energy by which we were born.
I find it hard to believe that some people do not believe in love. I know somewhere in there they do. We are built to love. Every bone in our bodies was created out of love. I believe in soulmates I believe in everlasting love. But I also know that people do not try hard enough to find happiness in love. And who would be if we tried to live without it…Nothing.
Till Next Time…Yours Truly @FabCulture
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