Confession, I am a former “suck up to guy’s needs” chic. I was often caught brushing off my wants for a relationship. I tend to be occasionally bossy professionally and one would expect me to apply that in my social life…but. Maybe it was the African in me that was raised watching married women be completely submissive to men, I dono.
After a break up from what I had considered a serious relationship, I decided to give it dating a break, but you know, I’m a girl in her twenties and girls in their twenties never take time off from dating….so if you’ve heard someone say they are on break, chances are they haven’t found a man yet or they are in the acceptance stage of a breakup. You know, that point where you are content that it’s over and you can think about your ex without feeling a huge lump in your throat or having a sudden urge to commit a murder.
My mum thinks I’m a Miss Know it all. At first I thought she was just being on my case a little more than needed, but now I kinda see where she’s coming from. I actually thought I was a guru in relationships because I had actually held down a relationship for two years. Do you know how hard that is for an upcoming feminist like myself? And we were both happy, rarely fought not to mention we had managed to beat all the stereotypes of how love works. I was brilliant and more financially comfortable than he was, and although he was what my friends used to call a chocolate version of rapper TI, he was retaking a whole year of school. His dislike for education correlated very well with skipping school and having all the time for me…which by the way is all I ever wanted in love (turns out that shit is real hard for guys to offer). That gig didn’t work out though, mainly because I grew up and found men with careers and goals more interesting.
So while I was on my “break”, I decided to reboot. From a series of failed dates and a relationship of which I was the only party acting like I was in the relationship, I figured I must have been playing my cards wrong. So while I was waiting on Charming to show up, I decided to hire a few coaches to prepare me for him.
Another confession, I am not a good reader. Actually, I am a terrible reader and only do so for research for my own articles. So to start reading all these books on relationships and people’s perceptions on making it work was like opening up a whole new universe.
My goodness the things I found in these books. There were actually moments when I would put the book down and rewind to points in relationships where I was doing certain things and just think hmmmm? According to these books I had it all wrong. Like I said, I grew up watching submissive wives. My perception of a good wife was one who was always kind to a man, took care of him, and when things went wrong, considered forgiving him and praying that things got better. But here I was reading that I had to tell men what I wanted. I had to give them rules to love me. A little thing most of these writers called “Standards.” That’s a fancy word for rules…standards. The more I read, the more I figured the heights of my lack of standards. Do you know how degrading that feels for a Miss know it all? Miss classy, miss clever, miss stylish miss f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s. suddenly had no standards simply because when men acted crazy I would just get mad till they figured it out instead of telling them what I wanted?
However the more I thought about it, the more it actually made sense. How could I expect Princess Treatment If I had never asked? When you get a job, they require you to read, understand and accept the terms and regulations before they can let you work. Love specialists speak no different about intimate relationships.
At first I wondered how it was possible to give a guy all these rules and expect him to stay. Truth is, if you are the kind of person who chooses not to settle, but rather have standards, might as well set them straight at the start of the relationship, and figure out if a guy will sign up or not. At least it’s better than stalling each other for ages only to have a failed relationship…plus a whole bunch of emotions to deal with.
Everyone has their own standards. One of my sworn to death standards is a significant other who calls me every day. Some of us women are suckers for attention, not to mention our love for exclusive relationships. If you’re with me, you’re with “only me”, also preferably thinking about me 24/7 mostly because I’m thinking about you 24/7 too. Believe me, its brothas still outchea walking this planet who find this to be news. I dated a guy who would actually go more than a week without calling me. And by the way I’m not talking about a new flame, 2 weeks in kinda dating…this was a 3 months down relationship…and a week would go by with no phone call. Why didn’t I call him? I used to, till I realized that I was making all the phone calls! So one day I decided to wait for his phone call. I ended up waiting for 6 days. For 6 days, my existence did not occur to this man who claimed to love me…6 days!!! Like I’m just not memorable like that? Of course it didn’t work out, but who knows, I could have saved myself three months of an idiot on my dating CV. Get some standards ladies!
Xoxo…the fab one.